That Was Then, This Is Now
by Eich
Summary: When past walks back into your life, you can either fight against it or fight for it.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Couple of weeks ago I was writing a chapter of "To Sleep Perchance To Dream" when I came across this fic that I had started to write sometime last year and for some reason had forgotten about it. But once I've read what I already had it kinda came back to me, and so, I've decided to resume it. Which means I'll be posting two fics at once…I'll try to keep the updates coming but since my classes have just started again I'll apologise in advance for delays. I won't abandon any of them, though._

_Once again, I huge thanks to my lovely friend and beta __MagicallyChallenged_ _You. Are. The. Best! _

_This fic was inspired by this post: __ post/74831690445/drhollystewart-officer-lunchbox-high-school_

_Let me know what you think :)_

_By the way, just in case: I don't won't Rookie Blue or any of it's characters_

**Chapter 1**

"We were walking down the trail like we do every morning when my dog got crazy and ran out, I thought he'd seen a racoon or a squirrel but when he didn't come back I went after him and found him sitting at the bottom of the ravine barking at the..."

The man nervously pointed towards the crime scene before making a face.

Traci nodded her understanding and wrote down something before turning back to her partner standing beside her to see if there was something more the he'd like to add. She noticed that his attention was elsewhere though, and followed his gaze down to where the body lay, already surrounded by the forensic team.

She frowned before calling his attention back to her. "Steve, what's wrong?"

"Nothing just..." He narrowed his eyes, never taking his gaze from the scene below, before starting to make his way down the ravine. "Can you finish here for me?" He called back to her, not bothering to look back and see if she would answer.

"Sure." she said, going back to the witness; watching the Detective walk away from the corner of her eyes.

Steve passed beneath the bright yellow isolation tape, stopping close to the decomposed corpse found earlier. He wasn't particularly fond of this part of the job, and he didn't have a weak stomach, so he usually could bear the smelly and the slimy parts of being a Detective. On this particular morning, however, Steve was too focused on the person examining the smelly and slimy stuff to actually notice the smelly and slimy stuff.

He waited for a moment, trying to catch her face from a different angle, just to be certain, before finally taking a step forward.

"Holly?"

The woman lifted her head, giving him a puzzled look. The moment he saw her eyes Steve knew he was right.

"Holly Stewart?" His lips turned up slightly.

She stood up, removing her gloves before pushing her glasses up her nose. "Yes?"

Steve opened his arms and chuckled as he saw her mouth opening in shock when she finally recognized him.

"Pecker?"

Steve laughed at the nickname closing his arms around her. "Hey!"

"Oh my God!" Holly hugged him back, throwing both arms around his neck. "What are you doing here?"

"I work here. Detective in Guns and Gangs" He said jutting his chin out and up high while pulling the front of his suit, earning a big eyeroll and a playful scowl. "What are you doing here? I didn't even know you'd come back."

"I landed just a few weeks ago." Holly extended a hand towards him "Forensic Pathologist."

"Impressive." Steve said shaking her hand.

"Look who's speaking Detective Pecker."

Traci frowned when she heard the woman's voice. She had walked slowly towards the two, watching their interaction from afar not wanting to interfere but getting more and more curious by the minute.

Clearing her throat she stopped between the pair. "Sorry Steve but we should get the rest of the briefing."

"Yes, of course." He let go of Holly's hand and gestured from one woman to the other.

"Holls, this is Detective Traci Nash. Traci this is Dr. Holly Stewart, an old friend of mine."

Traci offered the brunette a polite smile that didn't reached her eyes. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

Steve looked at the other Detective for a moment, noticing the sudden rigidity, before turning back to Holly. "So what you got for me Doc?"

She looked back at the body, sliding her gloves back on. "Male, Caucasian, I'd say about early thirties, cuts and bruises on both arms compatible with struggle. But the probable cause of death are the bullet wounds." Lowering herself she pointed at it's torso. "I was able to see four entrances but only three exit wounds so there's the chance I'll be able to retrieve a projectile for you."

Holly pulled the forensic kit closer to her, glancing up at the two detectives. "I'll have to take it to the lab to see if I can find anything else."

Steve wrote a few things down before looking back at Traci. "Great, I think the witnesses gave us enough to start. Let's get out of here Nash."

He ripped a piece of paper holding it out towards the doctor. "Here's my number, call me if you get that bullet or a possible ID."

Before she could go back to work, though, he turned to her once more. "Which reminds me, we never had that drink together did we? Call me so we can change that too, alright?"

She laughed but didn't look back at him. "Sure, we have a lot to catch up."

The detective looked at Traci, noticing she was a few steps ahead and wouldn't be able to hear them anymore, he took a small step towards Holly. "You...you haven't seen Gail yet have you?"

"What? ...no...I..." Holly cleared her throat, and adjusted her glasses, a nervous trick she carried since they had first placed the spectacles on her face when she was still a child. "That's not why I came back."

Steve nodded, not missing the fact she had been clearly disturbed by his sudden question. "I know, it's just that...well, she's working at 15th too."

"What?!" She snapped at him with wide eyes.

"Yeah, she's a police officer," He said, glancing to find Traci waiting for him at the top of the hill.

"...Look I have to go, but I just thought you should know, ok? I'll see you later Holls."

She absently nodded back at him, her mind filled with the distant memory of bright blue eyes.

...

"_So Harvard hum? That's...wow."_

_Holly nervously crossed her arms and waited for Gail to look back up at her, when she simply proceeded to stare at the letter in her hands the brunette took a step forward. "Yeah I know. I never thought I'd get in."_

_She hears the snort before sees the stern look in Gail's blue eyes._ _"Why did you apply then?"_

_The icy tone of Gail's voice fell upon her with the force of a __thousand daggers and suddenly she backed up again, lowering her gaze to the floor. When she had come home, a couple of hours earlier to find the letter sitting at her desk, it's size and weight a clear indication of acceptance she had been caught between a mixture of feeling ecstatic to have gotten in, and terrified…of, well...of this._

_Holly knew Gail wasn't going to take this very well, still, she had hoped. Feeling her back hit the wood of her wardrobe, she remained in silent._

_A few moments passed before bed shuffled, the girl waited for the noise of a door being slammed but instead she heard the muffled sound of footsteps and then Gail's socks came into view. She felt a gentle hand pulling her chin up before feeling her body being pull into a hug._

"_I'm sorry Holls." Wrapping her arms around the blonde's neck she buried her face in the soft fabric of her shirt, feeling the warmth of Gail's body against her own._

"_This is amazing!" Gail whispered close to her ear. "You. Are. Amazing." She punctuated every word with a kiss to her neck. "I'm really proud of you." The girl pulled away, running a hand across Holly's cheek with a small honest smile on her face. "I mean, it's Harvard!"_

_The fingers brushed her jaw and slid over her arms before wrapping around hers. "United States, Harvard." Gail took a deep breath looking down at their joined hands._

_Holly raised their arms, their hands pressing against each other's, her palm against Gail's. As much as she wanted the girl to be happy for her she couldn't blame her for being upset, despite the satisfaction of reading those words for the first time, Holly still wasn't sure how she truly felt about all this._

"_Look I'm not even sure I'm going yet. There's a lot of things I need to consider first and I'm still waiting to hear from other colleges, here." She shook her head slightly to clear her mind "I don't even know if it's a real option for me."_

"_What are you talking about?" Gail frowned at her words before chuckling. "Of course it's a real option for you. It's Nerd's paradise."_

_Holly smirked at her attempt to lighten the mood. "Maybe not for this Nerd."_

_Gail look at her for a moment before leaning forward and kiss her cheek "Just stop ok?" She felt Gail's body pressing against hers once more, one hand burying itself in her locks as another one clung to her shirt. "Let's do this my way."_

"_Which is...?" Her words collided with the side of Gail's neck, the warm breath sending shivers running down the other girl's spine._

"_I'll say, that I couldn't be prouder of my nerd, I'll say, that they would be lucky to have you. We'll forget that this is about you moving to a whole different country, enjoy our summer and deal with it when we absolutely have to deal with it."_

_Gail rested their foreheads together placing a peck on her lips. "Sounds good?"_

_Holly nodded with eyes still closed, before soft lips found hers once more. When her lungs started to burn for air she pulled away, remaining close enough to see the dilated pupils. "Can I just say something first?"_

_She took the letter from Gail's back pocket, always looking at the blue eyes she adored so much._

"_This? I like it._"_ Holly gently brushed their noses together before whispering against the girl's lips "You... I love."_

_Gail gave her a big smile "Come on Lunckbox" She took the piece of paper from her hands, and dropped it on the desk. "Let's get some ice cream and start our denial."_

...

Gail banged the door of her locker close. She was tired. No, not tired, she was exhausted. Her shoulders hurt from the weight of the Kevlar vest, her feet burned from the long hours buried inside her boots and there was a headache waiting to explode from the throbbing pain behind her eyes.

Her stomach grumbled and she groaned in response, resting her forehead against the cool metal as she allowed herself to close her eyes for a moment.

After a 30 hours shift she was more than ready to go home and enter a comatose-like state for the next two days. With breaks for junk food, of course.

Her mind was fogged and she was too drained to try and change that.

"Hey Gail? Do you have a minute?"

Gail scowled at the voice, keeping her back to the newcomer and taking her time as she grabbed her sweater.

"Not really." She held her duffel bag over her shoulder and started heading for the door. "I'm not even here anymore, brother."

Steve waited for her to pass by him before reaching out and grasping her wrist. "It's...important."

Gail threw her head backwards and put the duffel bag back down with a groan. "You're keeping me from my bed and my pizza. It's better be a Godzilla moving towards Canada sort of thing."

Steve responded with a heavy sigh. "Holly is here."

In all her short years as a police officer Gail had been fortunate enough not to have ever been shot at, she suspected though, that taking a bullet to the chest while wearing a Kevlar vest would be very similar to what she was felling right now. Pain irradiating from the middle of her chest, her abdomen clenching at the impact, limbs heavy, short of breath, dizziness, weakened legs, heart pounding in her ears.

But despite the pain there was no bleeding and there would be no bruise.

At least that part was good.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Gail leaned against the lockers trying to regain her balance.

"What do you…" Her voice cracked. This was…this was impossible. "What do you mean 'Holly's here'?" Gail shook her head and crossed her arms to keep herself together, clearing her throat. "Here, where?"

"15th" If Steve noticed the faltering in her words he didn't mention it and Gail made a mental note to buy him a drink for that later. Mimicking her position, he turned his back to the lockers to stare at the empty wall, leaving her to stare at his profile. "She's working down at the morgue as a forensic patho…"

"Why are you telling me this?" She cut him off harshly.

Shrugging he looked at her. "Just thought you should know."

Gail pushed herself from the metal doors, leaning to retrieve her duffel bag and jacket. "I don't care."

"Gail…"

"Steve!" The sigh resembled a plea, but Gail didn't care, it was her exhaustion speaking for her now. Or at least that was what she tried to believe at that moment. "Thanks for the heads up but I'm heading home now."

She waited for the come back. Gail knew her brother, she was sure there was more he wanted to say to her, and for a moment she was sure she wasn't going to leave that room with her dignity intact.

She would either fight her way out, giving him a black eye in the process, or be dragged out crying like a baby.

Neither of them would be good.

The second would probably be worst.

Instead of pushing her, though, Steve nodded. "Ok, go get some sleep sis." He made a face eyeing her from head to toe. "You look horrible."

Gail silently thanked him. "Yeah, yeah." She snorted while pulling the bag up her left shoulder and heading for the door.

The hour that followed, passed in a blur.

In the back of her mind she registered Dov's voice shouting an invitation for drinks from across the street. The wind blew against cheeks. Her knuckles burned under the duffel bag straps. Her hands getting even colder. The sore on her calves getting worse.

Gail could hear the sounds of the city around her, the cars passing, people talking, workers getting back home, couples heading back out. She could see the stoplights, the soft glow inside the buildings, headlights, moonlight.

Everything was there. She knew it. She tried to focus on it, but to no avail.

She could only feel the tight grip on her chest, the heaviness on her shoulders, the burn in her eyes.

But if there was something her tentative teen years had shown her, it was how to run away from all that, and so she did.

Gail shifted her attention to focus on something else: her feet.

Just keep walking, step after step, don't break, don't, just keep breathing and don't you dare let those fucking tears fall, don't let the images of her invade your mind. Don't you dare remember that day.

Gail managed to keep it all at bay, she had become quite good at it. But when she got to the front porch of her house her feet causing her to stop abruptly and the memories caught up to her, making her stumble on the last step and place her forehead against the wooden door as she choked on a sob.

She shut her eyes and felt the first tears rolling over her cheeks, Gail tightened them in a failed attempt to blind herself against the face that lived in her dreams and the night that still haunted her nightmares.

…

"_Tell me to stay Gail."_

_Holly's hair cascaded down over her shoulders, small drops of water still falling over the dark wooden floor of the Peck's house. The same floor she had spent countless evenings sitting on with her back resting against the bed as they played video games or studied before tests. The floor that had received their clothes on the nights she would stay over in the absence of Gail's parents. _

_The dark brown color of the wooden boards had always soothed her eyes from the whiteness of the walls and if this was any other night, she wouldn't have allowed herself to stain the always immaculate floor of the room that was so familiar to her. Right now, though, she couldn't care less about damaging it. _

_All she could think about was fixing this, fixing herself._

_Gail stared at her for what seemed to be hours. Taking in the soaked figure standing in front of her. Holly had never looked so small, so fragile, so sad or…defeated. Her eyes didn't sparkle like they used to and there was no smile to light up the night, there was only the trembling chin and the redness of her eyes._

_She was soaked to the bones, Gail could see the goosebumps on her arms and her shirt left little to the imagination. If this was any other night she would not have closed a fist inside her own pockets to keep herself from closing the gap between them. To keep herself from crossing the room and heading towards the other girl to just hold her. Right now, though, she couldn't allow herself to act on that longing._

_All she could think about was how she had been responsible for all the hurt, for hurting Holly, hurting herself...and she wasn't done yet._

_Gail swallowed the lump in her throat and stared at Holly's eyes, feeling a heaviness in her chest and a tremble in her legs. She was crumbling inside. On the outside, however, she made sure to keep her face impassive and her head up high. She had to finish this._

"_I can't." despite everything she congratulated herself for the even tone and the detachment in her voice._

_Holly gulped and let out a shaky breath "Why?" it was barely a whisper, if Gail hadn't been looking at her she would have missed the words, strangled by sorrow and muffled by the thunder._

_Gail tightened her fist, feeling her short nails digging in the skin of her palm as her knuckles whitened and her fingers went numb. She knew it wouldn't be enough to cause the skin to rip, she wouldn't bleed. She wished she would, though, only to prove she would still be able to feel something – anything – other than this tightness inside her chest. _

_She took a deep breath and got ready for the final blow._

"_Holly We've talked about this..."_

"_Gail…" Holly interrupted with a shake of her head._

"_I don't want you to stay."_

_Her words still echoed in her ears for hours after Holly had turned to leave._

_If someone had asked, Holly wouldn't be able to say how she got home. All she would be able to remember for years to come was the lightning scarring the sky and the lack of air in her lungs, as if she was drowning in tears she had no strength to shed._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Huuuuuge thank you to the always amazing and always awesome MagicallyChallenged (A.k.a. MysticalCheesecake on tumblr)! Because of her you guys were spared of the: "THE LONGEST SENTENCE KNOWN TO MAN"...so...yeah, thanks Mate. ;)_

_*whispers* She's an amazing writer so…go follow her!_

_Hope you guys like and please let me know what you think ok?_

* * *

**Chapter 2**

_The sun was shining brightly and the weather was comfortable enough for one to stay outside in a light sweater. _

_The fallen leaves had been all swept away from the big lawn but a few had already found their way down from the top of the semi-naked trees, sprinkling the yellowish green grass with shades of brown and dark red that would crumble under your feet as you walked. Differently than any other day, however, if you decided to go on search of those crunchy spots amongst the soft sea of grass, you wouldn't be able to hear the sound or feel the tickling on the soles of your feet as the leaves dissolve under your weight._

_Today there was only the feeling of fancy, uncomfortable shoes and the sound of kids playing, while adults talked._

_The always peaceful lawn had been turned into a place of controlled animation. Tables and chairs were scattered over the concrete area that connected the dining room to the outside, the bar had been set couple of steps away, waiters carried big silver trays with canapés and other finger foods – no cheese puffs, though - there was a different table with non-alcoholic drinks, and yet another one containing balloons and other decorations. The cake would be brought up from the kitchen at the right time along with other sweets so that the kids didn't have access to a continuous sugar rush while still at the party._

_Elaine Peck had thought of everything... as always._

_The grown-ups were sat at the tables, some standing nearby with drinks, while the kids were allowed to roam free and enjoy the outside. Recommendations of 'no-running', 'no-shouting', 'no-going on the tree swing, not to dirty your clothes' and, of course, 'do not get close to the pool area' were reinforced at regular periods, but the kids didn't care. They were free…or at least they felt like it._

_With the exception of one little girl._

_Gail sat in the shade on a small step on the side of the concrete platform, her chin resting on her knees that she hugged to her chest. She had a big pout on her face but she wasn't angry, as one maybe would have thought, she was simply bored. All of her birthdays had been the same ever since she could remember, it hadn't been that many yet, only six counting with this, but still, she had a feeling it wasn't going to change any time soon._

_Stuffed in clothes she didn't like to wear, to be poked, kissed, hugged and squeezed by people she didn't know. Trading the peacefulness of the yard for the expensive gifts bestowed upon her from children her mother expected her to play with. Children that on any other occasion wouldn't have let her play with them. She may have only been six but she understood more than her mother gave her credit for, she knew these children weren't her friends, they wouldn't have been nice only it was her birthday and her house. _

_The only great thing about this date was the food and the soft drinks. She wasn't allowed to have any of those things on regular days and even still, today her mother would want to have a 'talk' to her about how much she had eaten. Regardless of that conversation Gail knew she would still be getting a second piece of cake, one of the perks of being among other people that worked with her mother._

_With that thought in mind she grabbed a small burger from the plate by her side that she had filled with a little bit of everything, Gail lifted the lid of her burger and after making sure there was no tomato on this one, she took a bite. The burger was gone and she was about to move on to the mini quiches when someone stopped right in front of her._

_Looking up she found herself staring into the big brown eyes of a young girl about her age. The intruder's skin was couple of shades darker than her own and her black hair was tucked behind her ears, falling over her shoulders in soft waves, save for the few stray strands that insisted on refusing to be tamed. _

_The girl was gently rocking on her heels with both hands hidden behind her back and a timid smile on her face. _

"_Hi." She said a little unsure of herself _

_Gail scooped forward before replying shyly. "Hi."_

"_Are you Gail?" Holly received a nod in response and her smile grew impossibly bigger as she brought her hands up to show a colorful box with a yellow ribbon on top. "Happy birthday."_

_The girl's excitement was contagious and after a heart beat Gail found herself smiling back while reaching for the gift. "Thanks."_

"_Why are you not with your friends?" Holly took another step in her direction and she stepped to the side, opening the entrance for the newcomer to sit by her side. _

_Bringing the box close to her ear, Gail shook it gently, trying to gain some clues about what waited for her inside the paper. She wasn't a fan of surprises. "They're not my friends. They're police kids."_

"_I don't think that exists." Holly replied with a little frown inciting a little chuckle from the birthday girl. Probably the first of the day._

"_They are the kids of my parents friends. And my parents friends are police" She put the gift back in her lap, nodding in satisfaction with her conclusion. "So they're police kids."_

"_That's weird...I guess." Holly replied and Gail shrugged as they observed the other kids playing on the grass. The sound of laugher hitting their ears, they remained rooted on their little step, watching the world unfold, ignorant to their presence._

"_Are you a police kid too?"_

_Holly shook her head and bent forward to take a small dry leaf from where it had landed at her feet. "My mom is teacher and my daddy does something important at this glass building." Taking her attention off her hands, she points at the newly sold house across the street. "We live there." She turned back to the girl at her side continuing albeit a little apologetically. "Your mother told us to come."_

_Dismissing the last comment, Gail absently played with the edges of the yellow ribbon without actually undoing it. "A teacher like the kind that doesn't let you eat before lunchtime?"_

"_No." Holly smiled "A teacher like the kind that carries a brown bag full of papers and booksy stuff."_

"_Boring." Gail scoffed, but Holly didn't seemed to mind her behavior. Choosing simply to shake her head in return. "It's fun. She reads me a lot of cool stories and sometimes she even lets me go to work with her."_

_The blonde girl picked a lock of hair that had escaped her tight ponytail and scooped it behind her ear. "My mom and dad are in the force."_

_Holly's eyes widened. "Like Star Wars?"_

"_No, like cops." Gail blinked a few times before continuing with a caution. "But my mom…does sounds like…Darth Vader sometimes."_

_The confused look on her face at the revelation incited a laugh from Holly, making her lower her head and wipe away the tears that had gathered in her eyes from the sudden outburst, as Gail followed her with a laugh of her own._

_After a few minutes, when both girls had settled down again, Gail turned to the girl._

"_What's your name?"_

"_Holly."_

_The brunette offered her a hand, and Gail took it before remembering the box still sitting on her lap. "You didn't buy me clothes did you?"_

_Holly seemed confused at first but soon was shaking her head, a quiet understanding passing between them "No...it's a stuffed animal."_

_Gail turned back to her lap, picking up the box and finally unwrapping her latest gift. She peeked at the content before putting a hand inside to pull out the soft, light yellow kitten, it's big blue eyes a close resemblance to her own. Holly stared at her for a moment, waiting for a reaction, but when she got none she simply stared at her feet, the shyness returning full force. "Do you…do you…like it?"_

_Instead of an answer she saw the box being carefully placed at the bottom of the step. Holly waited for the gift to be abandoned there, but as she looked at the inside she noticed it was empty. Turning her neck, she saw Gail with both arms wrapped around the stuffed kitten, caressing it's furry head as if it was real. Holly smiled at the sight._

_Gail's eyes meet hers with a mischievous spark. "Do you want to help me find my brother?"_

_Holly nodded and the girl quickly turned to the side, picking up the plate still half filled with food and passing the responsibility to carry it to Holly, as she kept hugging her gift. "Ok. But we need to make a stop first."_

_With that said, Gail got off the step with a jump and waited for Holly to do the same before grabbing her hand and urge her inside the house. The passed unnoticed by guests and waiters as they made a beeline to the kitchen and into the pantry to get a full bottle of soft drink and a family size package of cheese puffs, with a small stop to get a bag so they could carry it all upstairs. _

_Once they had managed to get to the long hallway of the upper level, Gail pulled Holly towards her parents room. The brunette felt a little uncomfortable to be invading like that, her mother would surely disapprove it, before she could say anything, though, they were crossing the room and entering the big bathroom. Gail closed the door and a head suddenly perked up from inside the empty bathtub, big green eyes staring alarmed at them from beneath copper hair. _

_Noticing the two younger girls, Steve let out the breath he had been holding. Sliding to a sitting position inside the big bathtub before turning off his portable video game. _

"_That's my brother Steve" Gail explained to Holly before walking towards him with the bag of treats and settling herself inside the tub with the kitten still clutched to her chest "Steve that's my friend Holly." She motioned for the other girl to get in as well, and once all the three of them had settled comfortably, the plate with the finger food placed over the edge of the tub, the boy finally spoke._

"_Candy land or monkey barel?"_

_Gail shruggled and he looked at Holly. "Welcome to the bathroom, you're new, you can pick what we're playing first."_

_Steve smiled in encouragement while opening the bottle of soda and taking a big gulp._

"_Hum…monkey barrel?" She said a little unsure. His only reply was to nod and pass the bottle back to her as he reached towards the bathroom floor to get the box and start to assemble the game in the middle of their small circle. _

_The three remained there for the rest of what it would be the first birthday Gail would be able to remember, hiding away with snacks and laughs until it was time to go back to the outside world in search for cake. _

…..

Gail watched the page in front of her, staring at it without really seeing it, lightly holding the pen while letting it dangle from her fingers. It had been three weeks and five days now. Over 620 hours since she had find out Holly's been back. And still, she didn't knew what to do with that information, or even how she truly felt about that.

Part of her wished Steve hadn't told her anything, maybe it would be better to simply bump into her one day on a crime scene and pretend no to recognized her. Pretend she didn't knew the owner of the brown eyes that had kept her warm through the darkest days of her childhood. Pretend that she had managed to erase all the memories from those glorious days from her mind, like she had been trying to do since she was 17 years old. Pretend it hadn't meant anything, that she hadn't spent nights and nights thinking about all the 'what ifs', all the things that could have gone different, all that she could have done different. Pretend she hadn't imagined what Holly would be looking like with each passing year, every time she saw the date of her birthday appearing on her calendar, or how a labcoat would fit her form.

Surely, that would have be better than to live between the urge to run across the street so she could finally see Holly again, and the panic that had kept her rooted on the spot, too afraid of relieving it all again.

And even more afraid to look into the eyes that once had held so much tenderness and love for her, only to find anger and pain.

Another side of her, the part of Gail's mind that had turned Holly into this dream like form, couldn't even fathom the possibility of the girl…no, of the woman being back. Of her being real again.

Somewhere along the way, Holly had stopped being a person to become a memory. An idea of something that was no more. A dream that straddled the already blurred lines of the consciousness and subconscious , feeling too real to be imagination but too ethereal to be true.

She lived in a different time, in a different world, in a different life, and with a different Gail. To have her here, now, just didn't seemed possible.

There was yet another fragment, though, too small to make itself known in the middle of such confusion and too quiet to be heard among the sound of a million different thoughts running crazy, that knew. That had always known, or at least that had always hoped for the inevitability of this moment…but that had never planned anything beyond that.

Gail's attention snapped back to reality as she felt a shadow looming over her, she adjusted herself on the chair and cleared her throat, trying to focus on the task at hand once again. She heard couple of steps being taken before Tracy was sitting on her desk, one leg propped over the table while the other one hung by her side. "What are you doing?"

"Paperwork." Gail felt the eyes upon her but didn't look up.

Tracy crossed her arms and bounced her leg slightly towards Gail, without really touching her. "No, I'm pretty sure you're only staring at your paperwork."

The amused tone, more than anything, was what that made Gail's head snap up, glaring at the intruder. "If you knew what I was doing then what did you ask?!"

Tracy raised her hands in defense. "Someone needs more caffeine."

Gail's eyes softened a little and she slowly shook her head before going back to the pages in front of her. "I'm fine."

"No you're clearly not fine Gail." Tracy stared at her until she dropped her pen and looked up with an annoyed sigh. "You've been distracted all week, you didn't complain when you got desk duty for not paying attention on parade again. You yelled at least at three different people today and Dov is keeping a three metre perimeter away from you."

When the blonde remained in silence, Tracy's posture shifted to a more relaxed one. She was starting to get worried about Gail, the woman's behavior wasn't always ideal but there was something off about this. "What's happening?"

"I haven't been sleeping much, that's all." Gail shrugged and Tracy knew she would have to use the same approach she used with Leo.

"Any particular reason?"

"Just drop it Tracy." Gail sighed, staring at her.

The detective slightly bowed her head, her eyes now the same level as the other woman's "Gail if there's something wrong, if there's anything I can do…"

"There isn't." Gail interrupted, before lowering her gaze to her hands. "There's nothing anyone can do. Maybe not even me."

"Ok…" She said careful, trying not to lose this small opening. "But, do you want to do something about it?"

"I don't…I don't know." The younger woman said quietly. "I wouldn't even know where to start."

Tracy looked at Gail for a moment, taken back by the sudden change of behaviour. In all the years she had known the woman she could say this was the most vulnerable she had seen the younger Peck since the hospital, when she went to see her friend for the first time after the news of Jerry's death.

Back then Gail had been a friend, right now she was practically family. Since she and Steve had stated to date, much to the blonde's insistence as well, Gail had become like a sister to her and Leo's 'cool aunt' as she herself liked to put it. After attending the mandatory monthly dinner at the Peck's house and having the chance to observe Elaine and Bill from a closer perspective she could say she understood Gail a little better.

And so, she wished nothing but for the woman to be able to move past that, past Elaine and the "Peck legacy", so she could start to built her own. So she could find herself. So she could allow herself the happiness she deserved.

"It's not a health issue, is it?" Tracy asked, bringing her palms to rest over the desk. Knuckles white from holding onto the edge of the table.

"No it's nothing like that is just…complicated." Meeting her eyes, Gail shook her head. "A mistake, maybe?...I don't know." She sighed in defeat, shoulders slumping forward.

"Can you apologize?" Tracy frowned and Gail scoffed

"It's not that simple. An apology doesn't make things right."

"I never said it would." The detective met her serious tone, before soften up a little. "You said you didn't knew where to start. Start with that."

Gail chuckled sadly. "If only it was that simple."

Today was a fairly slow day, and Tracy silently thanked the emptiness of the precinct at this hour. There was no one to bother them and no one to witness the always stoic cop opening up like that. "Gail, I have no idea what we are talking about here. But this thing, whatever it is, is clearly bothering you." Blue eyes remained glued to hers and so she took a deep breath, sliding to sit at the edge of the desk so that both of her feet were planted on the floor. "And you need to do something about it, either try to fix it or just forget about it."

She held the other woman's gaze for a few moments. "You're a cop Gail, your head and your body need to be in the same place at all times." Waving a hand at her she went on "You're a Peck, you grew up knowing that. Whatever this is, you need to face it."

Blue eyes remained fixed on her, but Gail didn't said anything.

Tracy rested a hand at her arm. "You don't need to have a full plan of attack ok? One step at the time." Pushing herself off the desk she stood up. "But you need to move, you can't just sit here and let it eat you alive."

The woman opened her mouth to protest but Tracy was faster. "Don't try to deny it. It's consuming you." She took a step away from the table. "Besides, we need the new Rookies and you're scaring them off."

She saw a faint ghost of a smile on Gail's face, right before she turned to leave, hoping her little pep talk had the desired effect.

Now she only needed to talk to the older of the Peck siblings.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Thank you very much for all the comments and for all the patience. This one took me longer than expected…_

_Once again (and as always) a massive thank you to my amazing beta MagicallyChallenged! You rock, mate! ;D_

_Hope you guys like this one and please let my know what you think!  
_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Gail slowed down her steps as she reached the familiar glass doors. The sight of the figure staring intently at one of the many computer screens at the lab caused her feet to gather speed again until she found herself doubling the corridor in front of her.

The woman at the front table slightly raised her eyes from her desk but after almost an hour she had given up on trying to get the blonde's attention. Gail Peck had been there a few times and so the woman must have assumed she was waiting for sample results to be ready or for important reports to be signed.

Even in her street clothes people still recognized those bright blue eyes and platinum blonde hair.

She kept walking with her head hanging low until she had doubled two more corridors, completing the square that was the morgue, until those glass doors started to get closer and closer once again.

Gail had lost count of how many times she had traveled those same hallways in the past forty two minutes – not that she was counting the time or something like that.

Yesterday after Traci had talked to her, she had gone home filled with determination. She was going to sit down, think rationally about this situation, discover what she wanted to do about it and, once she had figured everything out, she was going to write what she was going to tell Holly.

Gail had never been too good at speeches or at talking to people in general, so this was a very important step. If she had to give Holly some explanations to get this weight off her shoulders, then she needed to do it the right way. If the explanations were going to lead to her trying to make amends or to them simply acknowledging each other's presence in Toronto, was something she couldn't predict.

And she wasn't sure which she'd rather. Gail hadn't allowed herself to get that far.

For the moment the plan was clear and simple. Think. Write. Talk.

But simple didn't meant easy.

And determination didn't make it painless.

That night, after being sure that the boys weren't going to be home, she had climbed on a chair and reached onto the top shelf of her wardrobe, pushing some blankets and pillows out of the way until her hand hit a cold metal box. Gail gasped at the feeling, her hands quickly retreating to rest on her waist as she took a moment to breathe.

Honestly, that should have been a good sign of what was to come. If she had been just a little smarter she would have climbed down and returned to her mission of killing things on the video game she was playing. That would have been the perfect combatant to get rid of the icy chill that had crept in through her fingertips and spread across her arm and torso, raising goosebumps from her skin until its final destination. She could feel it settling in the pit of her stomach like concrete trying to bring her down.

But she didn't walk away, instead, Gail crossed one of her arms protectively over her stomach, half hugging herself to try and calm the shivers that had taken over her body.

She closed her eyes for a moment and saw a blue sky beneath her eyelids. A perfect canvas for the white clouds that shifted, molded themselves into fantastic creatures and everyday objects right before her -before them. A spectacle orchestrated by the soft summer breeze that passed by her leaving a tingling sensation much different from the goosebumps that covered her skin.

In the dim lit room Gail could feel the scent of coconut soap and sunblock cream but she still remembered the mix of fragrances almost as clearly as she remembered the annoying prickle of fresh cut grass as she laid back on the lawn.

She couldn't see the leaves falling around her –around them- but she remembered following their path to the ground as she waited for the next figure to appear in the clouds.

She couldn't recall the exact sound of Holly's voice, but she remembered her laugh. She remembered how it made her feel light and free.

"_That one looks like a dinosaur."_

_Eleven year old Gail looked up, following Holly's finger to a particular cloud._

_She tilted her head slightly to the side, the top of her head gently bumping into Holly's shoulder. "Dinosaur?!" Gail scoffed and threw her hands in the air. "No, it's a bear eating a gigantic carrot."_

_A chuckle sounded close to her ear. "Carrot? I didn't even know you knew what that was."_

"_Ha ha ha." "Gail turned her head to look at the brunette laying besides her. "Of course I know what a carrot is Holly. It's that orange fat stick that hangs around the potatoes every year at Christmas dinner, and I just so you know I do watch Buggs Bunny."_

"_Can't argue with the wisdom of Buggs Bunny." Holly shrugged, still looking at the sky._

_Gail turned on her belly and picked up a brown dry leaf from the lawn, throwing it Holly's way. "You should not mock me Miss Stewart, if I recall correctly you are the one walking around with a Looney Tunes Lunchbox, Nerd."_

"_It's practical!" She took the crumbling leaf from her chest, swirling it around her fingers. "And you never complained about my lunchbox before."_

"_Of course not! Your mother does the best sandwiches ever, even with all those green leaves and vegetables hidden in them, oh, and she always gives you cookies or brownies... or scones." She said dreamily rolling on her back again, closing her eyes and resting her hands over her abdomen. "I never understood how you're so thin."_

_Holly laughed, turning on her side and leaning on her arm to look down at the blonde. "Because I always only eat half of everything she puts in there." She bumped the leaf on her friend's nose, laughing even more at the wrinkles that formed over Gail's face as she sniffed._

"_See how good of a friend I am? I saved you from child obesity." Gail smirked with her eyes still closed._

"_Is that so?"_

_Gail nodded her response, hearing the soft thud of Holly's back hitting the ground._

_The brunette absentmindedly played with the edges of leaf for a moment before speaking. "So does that mean you're going to save me from the homemade lasagna tonight?" She grinned when Gail's eyes shot open and she sat up._

"_Is she making that sauce your grandma taught her?"_

"_Yep. And garlic bread." _

_Holly stared at the pieces of dirt and grass that got stuck in the fabric of the back of Gail's shirt. _

_The girl's head fell to her chest, and she sighed before pushing herself off the ground. "I better go put on some larger pants then."_

Gail opened her eyes and gasped, gripping the edge of her shirt.

That had been the sign number two that she should just let this go and give up. She could keep dodging her past. It was possible.

But at 10pm determination still hadn't left her, and so, she had took a few minutes to calm down. Keeping her eyes glued to the carpet, counting backwards and controlling her breathing until she had managed to calm herself down as much as she could.

Gail took another moment to make sure she wasn't about to hyperventilate and reached her arms one more time to pull the metal box away from it's hidden place. Her movements were slow and controlled but as her fingers wrapped around the object, she could fill her fingers beginning to tremble.

She exhaled, closing her eyes tightly. Urging her muscles to harden, her stance steadier, despite the icy feeling that still gripped at her insides.

Out of pure stubbornness she gripped at the metal box in one swift motion and tugged away from the closet. The force of the movement caused her to take a step back and stumble down off the chair, her knees buckled under her weight and she fell seated on the mattress, staring at the old metal lunchbox in her hands.

Her ankle throbbed from almost falling off the chair. Her knuckled hurt from the tight grasp she

had on the object. Her chest ached. Her head pounded along with her heart. Her eyes burned with unleashed tears. Her gums were sore from the strength of her clenched teeth. The palms of her hands were cold as ice. She could hear the rush of blood in her ears. Feel the burning sensation of acid in her mouth.

There was a havoc taking place inside her body but for the first time since Steve had talked to her in the locker room, her mind was quiet.

Her mind was blank.

Empty.

Hollow.

Gail didn't know how much time had passed when she managed to pry one of her hands from the side of the lunchbox, slowly and carefully as if the most minor movement was going to make it disappear right before her eyes. She gulped down the lump that had settled in the back of her throat and tentatively traced Buggs Bunny's figure with her fingertips, noticing how the cracks

in the painting hadn't been able to erase him.

She pressed her palm over it and let out a quiet sob. The sound escaped her mouth and shattered the small amount of self-control she had managed to gather. Tears began to pour down her face and she lowered her forehead to rest on the cold metal of the lunchbox.

Gail's fingers accidentally touched the clasp and she froze.

That was sign number three. That was when she accepted her defeat. When she had allowed her determination to be washed away by her tears.

Gail had stood up and let the lunchbox fall with a deafening sound on the floor, pushing the object beneath her bed with her feet before making her way to the kitchen to snatch a bottle of bourbon from the cabinet.

If she couldn't bring herself to remember, then she was going to forget.

Gail had drank almost half a bottle before passing out on the couch, the emotional exhaustion offering her a deep, dreamless sleep. She had woke up with a hangover strong enough to distract her during the entire day and, despite being given desk duty thanks to her poor state, Gail was proud to say that her mind hadn't wandered back to the events of the previous night.

What she wasn't proud of, was to find herself standing at the forensic building after her shift.

Circling the morgue.

Unable to stop.

Unable to leave.

Unable to knock.

Just wandering the halls like a damned soul. Haunting her own ghosts.

Gail stopped in front of the glass doors once again, one door was slightly ajar and Holly was all alone in the room. This was the perfect opportunity for her to make her presence known, but she simply sighed and stared. Waiting for a wave of courage that wasn't going to come.

Just as she was about to restart her walk through the hallways, a voice reached her ears.

"Are you going to stand there all day?"

She looked back at the room but the brunette still had her back to the door, reading some files. Seeming completely unaware of Gail's eyes on her.

The blonde squinted, trying to decide if she had actually heard something or if it had just being a product of her crazy mind. Gail had convinced herself she had imagined the sound when Holly turned on her chair, looking at her for the first time in almost a decade.

Gail gasped at the sight of deep brown eyes and dropped her gaze to the floor.

"I'm not sure." She staggered half mumbling.

Holly sighed impatiently and got up, walking towards a table at the end of the room. "Either come in or walk away. I can't hear myself over your thoughts."

The cop carefully studied the tiles on the floor. "Sorry I just...I'm not sure I should..."

She was interrupted by the sound of an office chair being wheeled her way. "Just come in."

Holly said a little more softly, leaning on the back of the chair and looking at her.

Gail scanned the chair for a moment before meeting the woman's eyes. "I don't know if that would be very wise." She tried to smirk but it ended up being a sad tilt of lips. "You have a bunch of scalpels in there and you're like an expert in hiding murder evidence so."

The other woman raised her eyebrows at her before walking away. "Don't flatter yourself, Gail."

"Steve told me you had come back." She said closing the door behind her.

Holly kept scanning a few photos over the table. "I've been here for over a month and I haven't seen a glimpse of you. I figured he had told you about me."

"Don't tell me you were looking for me at 15." Gail spat, regretting almost immediately.

"I didn't. I wasn't." The pathologist looked over her shoulder, sighing. "Why are you here?"

"Honestly?" Gail looked up from beneath her lashes, studying Holly's form. "I don't know. I guess I just wanted to see you with my own eyes, make sure you were really here. Ten years is a very long time." She said the last part more to herself than to anyone else.

"It is but at the same time it isn't." Holly turned to face her, resting her lower back against the edge of the table and putting her hands In the pockets of her white lab coat.

They simply looked at each other, mentally comparing the younger versions of each other with their adult selves.

After a few minutes Gail took a deep breath, never taking her eyes away from the other woman. "You know, sometimes I look back and it doesn't even seem real."

"What doesn't seem real?" Holly asked absently, too focused on tracing Gail's features.

"Everything?" The blonde shrugged, not quite sure how to express her thoughts. "The three of us. You and me. You leaving."

Her words took Holly out of her trance and she frowned, staring at Gail with an exasperated expression "Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Don't put the blame on me." She answered with a stern voice. "Don't make it sound like I was the one that walked away without looking back."

Gail snickered half-heartedly. "But you were."

"No I wasn't." Holly shook her head. "Yes I was the one who left, but I wasn't the one who walked away." Her shoulders sagged a little and she licked her lips, as if gathering her words. "I asked you. I said that you could come with me, that I would stay, that I would wait. I told you I was ready to fight for what I wanted."

Gail lowered her eyes, fighting to take a deep breath as the brunette went on. "You told me I shouldn't bother. You told me there was no reason I should stay here for you because if it was the other way around you wouldn't have stayed for me. So yes, I left and yes, I never looked back. But don't put the blame on me."

Holly's words had left Gail's chest aching. Differently than what had happened last night, though, she wasn't overwhelmed by it. It was as if she had spent the last few days fighting her way thought a hurricane, being throw into every direction, getting hit by waves of emotions and memories she wasn't capable of dealing with. But now, she had reached the eye of the storm.

The calm within the chaos and she had realised that she wasn't alone because Holly was there with her.

Even on opposite sides, even not going through the same things. Holly had faced a storm of her own.

With that thought in mind she whispered. "I said a lot of things that day."

"You sure did." The reply was dry and harsh.

Gail ran a hand over her face. "I didn't mean most of them, though."

The room went silent for a few moments, before she heard the soft reply. "I know you didn't."

The cop's head shot up and her eyes widened. She expected to be thrown out, to be called a liar or worse, she was ready for rage, not for the sad eyes that burned into hers. She tried to form words, but her mouth was dry and she didn't knew what to say.

Gail could only stared, shocked, at the brunette.

Holly took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling, crossing her arms in front of her. As if shielding herself. "At the time I thought you did. I cried for days thinking of how stupid I had been for letting myself believe you liked me, but then I realized that I hadn't imagine it. I couldn't have. And then I cried even harder." She chuckled sadly at the last words.

"Love." The word left Gail's mouth before she could think twice and Holly gave her a puzzled expression. "I didn't like you Holly, I loved you." She explained with a firm voice. The sweet taste of Holly's name being washed away by the bitterness of the past tense.

Holly hummed and shook her head. "Called it what you must Gail, you still broke my heart. You still hurt me."

"I know." Gail said quietly holding her gaze.

"I never knew the reason you did what you did but after a while I started to make the connection, especially when your brother and your father came to say goodbye and your mother didn't."

Clearing her throat, the cop changed the subject as best as she could. She was safe, but the storm still raged on close by, she couldn't allow it all to come crashing down on her. She could face her actions towards Holly, but she wasn't sure if she could deal with Elaine's actions towards her. "Do you think it would have worked out? If things hadn't happened the way they did? If I hadn't said all that, if you had stayed…Do you think we would still be together?"

Gail braced herself for the answer, silently hoping Holly wouldn't press on the subject of Elaine.

"No." Holly let out a breath. "We could have lasted a few more months maybe even a year but truth be told we wouldn't be able to hide it for much longer. It was getting harder and harder.

Your mother would have found out eventually and she still would have made you stop seeing me." She tilted her head and added. "Assuming that's what happened since I officially don't know."

"Gee you put a lot of faith in me don't you?" Gail chuckled.

"I do. I always did. That's why it hurt so much, because I knew Elaine wasn't going to be pleased about it but I still thought that we could deal with it. I was naive enough to think you would have picked us."

Gail followed her movements as Holly pushed herself from the table and came to stand closer to her. "I always had faith in you Gail, maybe you're the one who doesn't."

The proximity should have bothered her. The scent of coconut soap should have sent her running for the hills. But it only served to keep her rooted to the spot. To make her ask the question she had been saving for ten years. "Do you regret it? Having lived all that. Do you regret it?"

Holly was taken aback with the unexpected question, and even more with the hope in Gail's eyes. The blonde woman urging her on, silently asking for an answer. She wet her lips and opened her mouth to speak, but before Holly could form any words the silence was interrupted by the ringtone of Gail's phone.

Gail huffed at the sudden intrusion but made no movement to answer it. The brunette bit her lower lip nervously and pointed at Gail's pocket. "You should pick that up." Holly grabbed some files and walked to the end of the room, turning her back to the cop.

Gail remained sat on the chair for a couple more moments, half hoping that Holly would go back and resume their conversation, but she knew it was to no avail. With one last look and without any more words, she got up and walked out of the room.

The cellphone still buzzing inside her pocket.


End file.
